Dialogue too heated? How to create the "ordinary magic" of calming things down.

From: Rotary Magazine, March 2022

We’ve all seen it. Voices rise, emotions unravel — and just like that, a squabble among siblings escalates into a fight, a shouting match between impassioned parents erupts on the sidelines of a playing field, or a friendly disagreement at a social gathering unleashes strong emotions.

While most of us are not skilled peacemakers, we can learn a few lessons from professionals who train law enforcement officers to de-escalate conflicts, work with court systems to replace retribution with reconciliation, or study peace treaties among historical enemies. The tactics they employ can also de-escalate everyday confrontations and help build sustainable resolutions.

WAIT FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT

The right moment may come when the irate person pauses to look at you and listen to what you’re saying — if you are saying the right things. Distraction can momentarily pull someone out of their rage, giving you a chance to redirect the conversation.

LISTEN AND VALIDATE

Instead of telling an irate person to calm down, lead with humility and curiosity. After getting their attention, ask, "What’s going on?" Don’t say, "I’ve been there, I know what you are feeling." Instead say, "I can’t imagine what that would be like for you." Your tone helps. Lower your voice; there is a good chance they will mirror your behavior and lower theirs as well. Then listen. Being heard is the validation they need.

EXPLORE OPTIONS

Listen, ask about his anger, have him consider his future self, and explore options.

LEARN ABOUT MEDIATION

Mediation involves an impartial third party who helps resolve conflicts through communication and negotiation. Don’t think of mediation as a way to achieve your goal, but as an opportunity for greater understanding. When you’re in conflict with someone, you may be certain of what you both want, but through a competent mediator and a good process, you can better understand and articulate your needs. "When we connect our own humanity and the humanity of the person we are in conflict with, the barriers begin to dissipate..." this is the "ordinary magic."

STATS

95% of employees say conflict-resolution training is advantageous.

Read the full article here.